How it feels

 Everyone experiences depression differently. It’s very individual, but nonetheless serious. I experience it differently as well. It’s some sort of mixture of a lot of emotions.

Most of the time I feel grief, like someone dear to me died. Which is kinda true, because the happy me died a long time ago and I miss her very much. And the pain that comes with it doesn’t fade. Feeling like you lost someone 24/7 is really painful. On the worst days I can’t stop crying.

Other times, I feel nothing. I stop caring and I start to push everyone and everything away from me, because I can’t bring myself to care about them. There is absolutely no emotion in me left. On those day someone could tell me that my whole family and friends died and I wouldn’t give a shit.

Sometimes I feel trapped. I am in this tiny box and everything around me is dark. I can’t see shit. I can’t hear shit. And I cry out for help, but no one can hear me. I am lost. I am alone.

Other times, I feel too much. The world is pressing down on me and I feel sheer panic. I can’t breathe. And my chest hurts. I am hopeless, because I don’t know how I can ever deal with everything that is about to come. How will I ever manage? It’s just too much to bear.

One some night, I feel more alone than ever. Even though I am in a relationship and I have friends, but I feel like I don’t have the right to contact them. I don’t want to disturb them and interrupt their happy life. So, I am just laying in my bed crying the whole night and nobody knows about it. I feel so lonely. And it hurts. I feel like I am not worth anything. That nobody really cares about me.

That’s how it feels most of the time. There’s a lot more to it, but those are the common emotion I experience, because of my depression.

Unrequited Love

Sometimes, Love will hit you in unexpected ways and believe me it could be kind of wonderful, blissful and so much contentment. but there is always a person who you think won't even hurt you but in the end it's the person who hurt you the most. 

Nothing  is predictable, you can't  predict anyone's intention in your life, you just live through them. Go with the flow, they say. Weeks had past I've been feeling so damn alone, it seems I forget that I'm surrounded by people and all I can do is replay every single words you said to me all over again,I still feel the same when I hear those words, words that haunts me every night.- Unrequited Love.

I used to think that you and me would last for a lifetime but it doesn't make sense anymore, everything I thought that actually made sense literally stopped. The moment you hit me with those words, everything I knew turned into ashes.

We've been through worse and still standing side by side after all and now, feelings fade. the world between you and me just stopped, no words, no emotions, no more i love you's no everything, what the hell just happened? the distance between us can't reach anymore it's too far to catch each others arms. you are so far away and there is no point to run and hug you so tight. We are not the same people we used to be.

Today, the words "I love you" were so raw for me, the truth is, people lie. sometimes I love you is just a lie and sometimes its not. and you even don't know which is real. sometimes someone will love you one day and then they completely ignored you for the next day without further notice. see how Ironic Life is.

I hope one day I'll stop chasing, chasing you in the midst of loving you.

You

Dear Love 💘

I love you. Quite a lot. I think you already know this. You’re amazing, everything about you. 

These are the words that tremble at my fingertips when i type to you. The thoughts that get rejected from the canal they wish to escape. 

Lately, i have been thinking- if you focus on your future, really hard, there is always someone you can picture there. I picture you. I picture us together. 

I picture the days where i wake up, roll over and you- you’re there. Sleeping, oh how you look so handsome sleeping. I will kiss your forehead and go make you breakfast to wake up to. Then as your eating i will talk to you about how you slept. Or the days, we’re both too lazy to get outta bed so we sleep all day and ocassionally wake up to exchange kisses then go back to sleep. To the nights, where you work extremely late, and you come in exhausted wanting to shower and go to bed. 

To the weekends where we go out and i get jealous because you’re way out of my league. All the intimate touches, the exchange of i love you’s. To the arguements and time of despair. Where we will want to beat the shit out of each other and not speak for hours. But- just remember i still love you. 

I can see so far, that when i am ready- i hope i nurture your children. I want them to be a part of me and a part of you. To be whole, a mixture of two souls. Having a family and spending my life with someone like you, i see just that. 

Having you as my hero. Having you as my best friend, my lover, my baby, one day: my husband. You are someone i see in my life. Ever since you appeared in it. 

So to those words that tremple my tongue and finger tips, here they are. Just know, i wish and plan on calling you mine one day. Having you call my mom, your mother in law. I plan on being your Mrs. One day. I love you. 

Sincerly, 
The girl who thinks about you. 💍

Patiently waiting

Last night the rain pours.

But my feelings crash because,

I was in a hurry to see you.

Standing alone in the dark, 

Hopelessly waiting for you. 

Minutes passed by,

the rain still pours heavy

Covering my face with my hands.

thinking if someone would save me,

from the amidst of darkness

I was in a hurdle that night.

Bit uneasy, because someone just grabbed my hand.

wondering why the rain stop from touching my skin.

and yet, here you come.

with an umbrella on your hands.

smiling and saying "i'm here. you are home now".

What I feel.

The freedom I once had, is now stress. The toys and dolls I once had, are now reports and work. The happiness I once had, is now a feeling of loneliness. The friends I once had, are now enemies behind my back. 

So many things had been taken away from me. Just so that I could fit in. In a society full of the brokenhearted and tongues that tell lies. 
Mouths that never shut. 
Bones forever breaking. 
And none that is long lasting.

I thought fitting in would be good. 
I’m just the same as everybody is. 
But being strange is better. 
Being strange can bring you further. 
Being strange would make you wiser. But that’s life.

Everything comes and goes.


One day you’ll notice that it’s just you, against the world.
And believe me you’ll make it, we’re gonna make it.
 

On the brighter side, we still have our lives.


Our ability to change everything. It’s not gonna go the way you want. But it’s surely the life you need. So cheer up, there’s a life ahead of you.


You’re not giving up.


You’re strong.


Strong is beautiful.


You are beautiful.

Taken for granted

Maybe, We Are Just Afraid To Love Again. 

It is really saddening that the old fashioned kind of love doesn’t really exist anymore. Writing love letters, little notes, sending girls home, being faithful and honest, etc etc. seems to be so difficult for our generation. 

The irony and complications of thinking that if you treat your significant other the way you want to be treated, they will do the same too. However, it doesn’t seem to be this way. If you treat them too good, they will take you for granted. If you don’t, they will think that you are demanding and expecting too much. Seriously, what the F*** do you want?

It can be exhausting at times, they said love is like a game of gamble and your heart is the token. You bet with your trust, putting your heart on the line and trusting that the other party will take good care of it. But well, things are not always going to be smooth sailing. When you are all happy and that think the person you are seeing now would be the last to hurt you, think again. The more better they treat you, the more they might be hiding something from you. And when you finally realise that all you ever had, all you ever thought of this person was just a very good cover that they put up, you break down, felt devastated and you go like “WOW, oh WOW” 

Walls start building up, trust starts going down, and that’s when your emotions go on a roller coaster ride. One moment, you forgave him, accept his explanations. Another moment, you cannot accept the fact that your significant other would do that to you, you cannot open up yourself to him like how you did before, every time he comes close or say sweet nothings, you doubt. Once a broken heart ,will always remain a broken heart. Even if it is fixed, there will still be scars.

Fear and phobia are a part of life. Some people see it as weak mentality while some  others, self-defense. It serves as a reminder. Whatever it is, maybe we are just afraid to love 100% again because betrayal is the most intolerable behaviour ever.

So, stay real and faithful or else, fuck off.