How it feels

 Everyone experiences depression differently. It’s very individual, but nonetheless serious. I experience it differently as well. It’s some sort of mixture of a lot of emotions.

Most of the time I feel grief, like someone dear to me died. Which is kinda true, because the happy me died a long time ago and I miss her very much. And the pain that comes with it doesn’t fade. Feeling like you lost someone 24/7 is really painful. On the worst days I can’t stop crying.

Other times, I feel nothing. I stop caring and I start to push everyone and everything away from me, because I can’t bring myself to care about them. There is absolutely no emotion in me left. On those day someone could tell me that my whole family and friends died and I wouldn’t give a shit.

Sometimes I feel trapped. I am in this tiny box and everything around me is dark. I can’t see shit. I can’t hear shit. And I cry out for help, but no one can hear me. I am lost. I am alone.

Other times, I feel too much. The world is pressing down on me and I feel sheer panic. I can’t breathe. And my chest hurts. I am hopeless, because I don’t know how I can ever deal with everything that is about to come. How will I ever manage? It’s just too much to bear.

One some night, I feel more alone than ever. Even though I am in a relationship and I have friends, but I feel like I don’t have the right to contact them. I don’t want to disturb them and interrupt their happy life. So, I am just laying in my bed crying the whole night and nobody knows about it. I feel so lonely. And it hurts. I feel like I am not worth anything. That nobody really cares about me.

That’s how it feels most of the time. There’s a lot more to it, but those are the common emotion I experience, because of my depression.