Most of the time I
feel grief, like someone dear to me died. Which is kinda true, because the
happy me died a long time ago and I miss her very much. And the pain that comes
with it doesn’t fade. Feeling like you lost someone 24/7 is really painful. On
the worst days I can’t stop crying.
Other times, I feel
nothing. I stop caring and I start to push everyone and everything away from
me, because I can’t bring myself to care about them. There is absolutely no
emotion in me left. On those day someone could tell me that my whole family and
friends died and I wouldn’t give a shit.
Sometimes I feel
trapped. I am in this tiny box and everything around me is dark. I can’t see
shit. I can’t hear shit. And I cry out for help, but no one can hear me. I am
lost. I am alone.
Other times, I feel
too much. The world is pressing down on me and I feel sheer panic. I can’t breathe.
And my chest hurts. I am hopeless, because I don’t know how I can ever deal
with everything that is about to come. How will I ever manage? It’s just too
much to bear.
One some night, I feel
more alone than ever. Even though I am in a relationship and I have friends,
but I feel like I don’t have the right to contact them. I don’t want to disturb
them and interrupt their happy life. So, I am just laying in my bed crying the
whole night and nobody knows about it. I feel so lonely. And it hurts. I feel
like I am not worth anything. That nobody really cares about me.
That’s how it feels
most of the time. There’s a lot more to it, but those are the common emotion I
experience, because of my depression.
